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The Marine Show Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW K it's just man's way of reaffirming his dominance over the animal kingdom. We'll take a killer whale, plop it into a swimming pool, and force it to do backflips through a fiery hoop just to earn a free lunch. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] the surgeon general has declared that smoking is hazardous to your health. Stay tuned. Bill and I are gonna go fishing in a rubber raft, which is not completely successful, and our old pal buzz sherwood is gonna say hello to harold. I always like it when he hurts harold. [ laughs ] ooh! And now here he is, the master of all he surveys, but only because he's extremely short-sighted -- ha ha! -- My uncle, mr. Red green! [ blowing ] red: Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, it's -- it's -- it's true. I am short-sighted, and I can prove that by hiring him to direct and produce my show. I'm harold, and I'm here and I'm hip and I'm happening. [ spraying ] and you're history. This is gonna be the last episode of the "red green show" as we know it. How? How? W-what? We're canceled? No, we're not canceled, harold. It's just that I think I've got a better idea. We're not gonna -- we're gonna change the format a lot. It's gonna be "red's water wonderland marine extravaganza." oh, this is because junior singleton took his family to florida, right? Oh, harold, he tells me that the seaworld down there is just raking the cash in. People love to see fish doing tricks. Of course, you've proven that. So, we're gonna replace you, harold, with the killer whales and the seals and the porpoises and the dolphins and the manatees and all that kind of stuff. Well, have you -- have you got any of these animals yet? No, but we've got an aquarium -- possum lake. And we got a rusted-out van for the fish to jump through, and we got a whole bunch of stuff to balance on their noses. Yeah, but -- but you have to have performers. I mean, you can't do a show without talent in front of the camera. We have for years. Did I say, "can't"? I meant "shouldn't." [ pulley squeaks ] ♪ oh, the fire in my eyes could not disguise ♪ ♪ how I felt for heather ♪ ♪ she held my hand like I was her man ♪ ♪ and said, "zip our sleeping bags together" ♪ wa-a-a! ♪ well, I complied in a hurry ♪ ♪ but she said, "wait, you're not worthy" ♪ ♪ and all hope of romance was killed ♪ ♪ my love, she turned her back on ♪ ♪ 'cause my bag was only dacron ♪ ♪ whereas hers was the more expensive goose-down-filled ♪ hoo! All right, so, you got yourself splattered across the couch, watching tv, grazing the dial with your thumb, snapping on the remote like you're sending morse code. Phase number one. Your wife says, "hey, stop flicking around "like a rabid banshee! "you're giving the dog a conniption, eh? Find a channel and stick to it!" and then you answer that you can't figure out what you want to watch until you see everything that's on, and you say all of that without taking your eyes off the tv screen. Phase number two. She suggests the tv guide, which is what it's for. Right. Now you got to tell her that your glasses are over on the table and the tv guide is up on the back of the toilet. Phase number three. She picks up her knitting or a book or something. Yeah, and then you find out what you want to watch -- a comedy, sporting event, and one of those shows where guys are shooting people. And you're gonna watch all three at once. Then, all of a sudden, something really exciting happens on the comedy, eh, like hawkeye finds a date for radar. Something like that, eh? Yeah, yeah. So you start watching that for a while, and then your wife starts watching it with you, but then the commercials come on, and you start thumbing your way onto a better show. Phase number four. Your wife gets up, leaves the room, finds herself her own tv, and files for divorce. What? It could happen! All right, well, life is about choices, and you cannot have a successful marriage and a tv remote, so I say go for the successful marriage. Well, unless the playoffs are on or it's sweeps week. [ ducks quacking ] well, with everybody thinking about our new marine show, I thought I'd take "handyman corner," show you all how to build an aquarium, 'cause when you think about it, what is an aquarium? It's just a glass box with a big price tag. So, all you need is a couple of windows that are made into different panes here. You can usually get these at your neighbor's house while he's at work. And then what you got to do is scrape the putty off there so you can get the windows out. [ squeaks ] oh. Oh, that -- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna use maybe a propane torch of mine and just melt the putty out of there. Where's that propane -- oh, there it is. All righty. [ gas can clangs ] this should work in no time. Shouldn't be any problem. Well, uh...Oh. Well, I'll just, uh, get the fire -- fire -- no, I don't -- maybe I'll just -- I'll just let the flame just burn the putty out of there, yeah. Perfect. [ coughs ] all right. Uh, turned out real good there, and now all's you got to do is pick up the glass out of the rubble. Oh! [ sizzling ] all right. Uh, you always want to let that glass cool down when you use this technique. Now, here's something that might be of interest to you. Uh, this is another handyman's helper. This is called silicone caulking. This stuff's a pliable glue, and it also holds out water, so it's perfect for making an aquarium. [ coughs ] [ sputters ] all right. Now we're ready to put a little bit of water in that thing. You got to let the water get in there ahead of time so it -- you know, it can kind of sit in there, get all the chemicals out of it before you put the fish in there. Oh. Um, all right. Well, if -- if you should happen to get a leak of some kind, don't feel bad about it. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's no one's fault, and the solution is very simple -- more caulking. There. That should do it. [ coughs ] smells like a prehistoric order of fish and chips in here. But I bet we got the leak fixed. [ laughs ] uh, no. No, not quite. Uh, I think this is gonna take me a little longer than we -- we had figured on, so, uh, why don't we get back to the show and I'll call you when I'm done? Stay tuned. Bill's gonna show you what happens when you have a leak in your inner tube, and harold's gonna audition for the marine show. I want to talk to all you middle-aged guys out there who, for whatever reason, have abandoned your dreams. Maybe you dreamed of being an astronaut and you ended up as a space cadet. Maybe you dreamed of being an award-winning statesman and you ended up as a ward of the state. Or maybe you dreamed of being an amway salesman and you are. Whatever the disappointment, at this point in our lives, we shouldn't be bitter. Maybe we set our goals too high. My personal goal is to set the land-speed record in a rocket car that I would design, engineer, and build, but in retrospect, I think that was a bit of a long shot, especially after I dropped out of junior high. As we go into the last half of our lives, we got to stay ambitious, but maybe we should make our dreams just a little more realistic, eh? Why don't you vow to go to your grave with at least one of your own teeth? Or maybe you can try to do something nice for somebody every day, even if it's not telling them what you're really thinking. I'll tell you something -- I'm gonna keep my dream no matter how old and run down I get. Even if I end up in a wheelchair, I'll turn it into a rocket-powered wheelchair. So, remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ rattling ] well, red's water wonderland marine extravaganza has already booked its first major star attraction. Someone from the cast of "baywatch" in a bikini? Ohh! I'd like that. No, harold. Moose thompson got us a real, live sea creature, one that already had his own tv series. Flipper? He got flipper? Oh, I love flipper the dolphin! Oh, he was so cool! He saved hundreds of lives in his show. [ imitates dolphin chattering ] oh! Flipper, here, look! Oh, yeah, yeah. I love flipper the dolphin. Yes! No, no. Moose got us flopper the musical manatee. Flopper the manatee? Yes. Had his own series? He certainly did, harold. It was "flopper's ragtime riverboat revue." it was on community access until the community saw it. Then flopper kind of went downhill after that. Went a bit astray on us but has gone to the betty ford aquarium. Got himself all cleaned up, lost 900 pounds. He's coming back in great form, gonna do the backflips and jump through hoops and balance stuff on his nose. What about me? Well, you're a little heavy to balance on his nose, I mean... No. I mean, like, what about me in the new show? Is there a place where I fit into the new show? Oh, sure there is, harold. Well, we're gonna need an audience, aren't we? [ duck quacking ] okay, we're back, and to make our aquarium work, I had to call in the handyman's secret weapon... Duct tape. I guess we all know she's gonna be watertight now, huh? [ laughs ] well, you're wrong. All right, we're gonna have to adapt our initial plan, and for that, you're gonna need another sheet of glass and a piece of tinfoil. [ sloshing ] all right, you tape the foil to the sheet of glass, and then you tape the glass onto the top of the aquarium, and then you just set the angle of that like a mirror to wherever you happen to be sitting in the room, because, unfortunately, this is gonna be, really, your only view of the fish. On the bright side, it is showing a certain amount of respect for the -- the privacy of the fish. So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, boy. The basin leaks. Uh, well, I suppose I could put more caulking on that or -- no, I could throw this whole unit into a bathtub or into a dumpster. [ engine sputters ] here we are with our resident bush pilot, buzz sherwood. How you doing, buzz? Hey, it's the big red guy! [ laughs ] hey, harold! How's directing? Whoa! [ laughs ] ohh! So, buzz, uh, you want to do some flying today? Sure, sure, as long as it doesn't break any of my new air-safety rules, like, uh, rule number one. Man, I'm not flying any more lawyers up here. No way, man. On these hunting trips, all the time we're airborne, right, they go, "buzz, my door won't close properly" or "buzz, is the wing supposed to wobble like that?" or "buzz, we didn't sign a release form, and that makes you culpable." I suppose if I knew what that meant, I'd know how to react. Buzz, how do you feel about flying manatees? Manatees? Is that, like, those mason or shriner guys? 'cause I flew a fat shriner. He's got this fez -- no, no, no, no, no -- manatees. They're kind of like a fishy mammal, and there's two of them, and they're kind of big. Probably looking at 2 1/2 tons there. Oh, that should be no problem. I'll bring them in by the north end of the lake, away from the cottagers. But, uh, there are a lot of tall trees up there, aren't there? Yeah, but not by my second pass. [ laughs ] [ laughs ] all right, then. Tell you what -- moose thompson will go along with you to supervise, all right? Whoa! [ imitates buzzer ] moose thompson? No way, man. Too much weight. Now we're bending the needle. No way. No can do. Ooh! You know what we can do? Oh! Oh! Brill! What we'll do is we'll get ranger gord's fire bomber. Oh, yeah. The water bomber. It's a bigger plane, right? We'll fill that sucker full of water. Them manatees can just, like, wallow as we cruise them in. It'll be -- it'll be great. Is that legal? Pfft! All right. Just, uh -- just don't tell anybody. I could lose my pilot's license, right? Buzz, you don't have a pilot's license. Oh, right. [ laughs ] [ feedback ] it's "male call." [ bell clangs ] have a letter today from david of calgary, alberta, and david asks, "have you ever tried a mepps syclops?" oh, yeah. I believe I drank one of those when I was in the military. Boy, you fire down one of those pups, it'll last you a whole three-day pass. Uncle red, he's talking about a-a fishing lure. Oh, yeah, the sy-- oh, yeah. The syclops, yeah. Oh, yeah. I know that very well, very well, but, you know, you get into endorsing fishing lures and so on -- touchy area there, harold. I mean, I've seen guys catch fish with a pair of pants on a coat hanger. Wow. Wa-a-a! How do you catch fish with a pair of pants? Well, you go fly-fishing. But, you know, there are so many factors there, harold. There's the time -- time of day, the time of year. There's the water temperature, the wind, the age of the fish, you know, and the real true fisherman, like myself, take all of these factors into consideration. Yeah. How many fish would you say you catch, on average? Oh, too many to count, harold. [ laughs ] I-I worded that wrong. I said, "how many would you say you catch?" actually, how many would you really catch? Like, you know, in a year. A lot, harold. Quite a few. Ple-- a whole mess of them. More than 100? Well, you know, I get pretty busy with the show and so on. Yeah. So, like, it's less than 100. Well, it's more than 10. More than you, harold. I caught one last year. All right. We tied. [ explosion ] [ film projector clicking ] red: Bill had asked me to go fishing. He said he'd bring the boat. I don't believe that's technically a boat, bill. Oh, oh, oh. Now all we got to do is load all the stuff into the boat. So, it's now later that day. We're going out fishing. The fish are probably finished and are at home watching one of the soaps. Anyway, it's fishing. You got to just kind of get into a mind-set. You just relax, kind of wrap your legs around the cooler, and go for it. So, I'm just trying to enjoy myself, and the way to do that, of course, is to ignore what bill's doing, which, in this case, it was a bit of a mistake. Bill, you're hooked into the, uh -- the rubber raft there. [ air hisses ] oh, yeah. Later that day... By golly, those things get heavy when they're full of water, as does bill, as does my hat. What do you got there -- medical cushion? What's that for? What is that, bill? Is this some sort of a diversion from fishing? What's the idea? What are we doing here? Oh, there's a bit of an example of overpackaging, I'd say. [ blowing ] all right. So is this show. What are you doing, bill? Are you gonna blow that up? We can't get in there. That's not big enough for us to -- no matter how much you -- okay, bill. Okay. Yeah, I know, but, still, it's not -- nowhere near... Well, still blowing. Well, well, well, oh, okay. All right. You're right. You're right. Captain, she's gonna blow. [ laughs ] so, that's what we're gonna use as an -- but I'm not -- I decided not to go. Bill, I think that's more of a one-man fishing boat. Oh, a bit of a nail coming out of the dock there. I didn't notice that. In you go, in you go. There you are. Bill, uh, let me get the equipment for you, all right? Just get ready. Here she comes. What would you like? Quite a selection here. Oh. Pardon me. No, it's all right. It's all right. Now we're safe. There we go. Couple of tackle boxes. Life jacket, paddle, another paddle, pail, little, uh, bait box, fishing net. Got your lure in there and got your suntan -- oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, boy! Holy cow! Bill, you can't troll at that speed! Slow down! Come back, bill! Oh, no, no! Not this way! Oh! There we go. [ grunts ] so, are they biting? Don't you know it's bad luck to come home wearing your boat there, bill? Let me help you out of that stuff. [ grunting ] oh, it's line dancing at possum lodge. Stay tuned. Ranger gord tries to explain zebra mussels, and the marine show loses one of its headliners. "moose can fly," by me. "last winter, junior singleton drove my snowmobile "a record 49 feet through the air "right over our tool shed. "today moose thompson announced "that records are made to be broken, but with moose, everything is made to be broken." [ rattling ] very, very exciting stuff now. Buzz sherwood and moose thompson have flown off to bring in flopper, and everything's falling into place. It's pretty darn exciting. Got a lot of other acts, too. We're gonna start off with old man sedgwick and his dancing bass, and we got junior singleton's magical minnows, and then we're having a medley of songs from "the little mermaid," sung by sally struthers. Wow! You really got old man sedgwick's dancing bass? Yes, we did, harold. And I just booked smelt boy. That would be stinky peterson. Wow. You found a smelt costume. Wa-a-a! Wasn't necessary, harold. Anyway, uh, flopper, of course -- flopper the musical manatee -- is still gonna be the star of the show. Wa-a-a! And they said variety television is dead. But, uncle red, who you gonna get to, uh, direct flopper? Well, flapper. That's flopper's sister. She's his manager, and she directs all of his live performances. Oh. Okay, yeah. Okay, live, sure, but, you know, has she ever directed a network television show before? Yeah, I beli-- I-I believe she did the third season of "who's the boss?" anyway, they're all arriving later on today, and they're gonna warm up possum lake. Oh, yeah, but, uncle red, possum lake is fresh water. Wa-a-a! Fresh water. What am I saying? But, no, it's, like, uh -- it's unsalted, you know, and manatees live in saltwater, so... Well, there's a job for you on the show. Really? Yeah. Go salt up possum lake. Wa-a-a! I love show business! [ bear growls ] it's time for the nature-talk part of the show. We're here with our good friend ranger gord. Hello, civilization. Yeah. Anyway, gord is gonna tell us about something that actually could put a kibosh on our whole marine show, namely zebra mussels. Thank you very much, red. Shall we wait for the rest of the guys to show up? No, I wouldn't. Yeah. Well, you know, I just thought that, uh, being at this fire watchtower for the last 16 years without a day off, they could give me a half an hour, but -- just tell us about the zebra mussels, gord, would you? Yeah. The zebra is a member of the equine, or horse, family, and so the zebra's musculature is very similar to that of a horse. Gord. Now, the hind legs -- just a minute, please, red. The hind legs are extremely powerful limbs, and they can propel the animal for quite a distance at a single bound. Gord, we're not talking about zebras. We're talking about zebra mussels -- you know, those things like barnacles. They form on the bottom of boats. What? When did these things show up -- just now? Mid-'80s. The government warned everybody to look out for them. I hadn't heard a thing about it. The last I got from head office was a pamphlet about a new problem called acid rain. Might want to watch out for that one. Haven't got a thing from them since, red. Hmm. [ crying ] not even a paycheck! Oh, but -- but, gord, think about it this way. By the time they pay you that back pay they owe you, it's gonna triple the national debt, huh? National debt? Yeah. Yeah. What, the country's in debt now? Oh, boy. [ bear growls ] [ sloshing ] well, flopper and flapper are not gonna be part of red's water wonderland marine extravaganza. But I just salted up possum lake. It's like the dead sea out there... In more ways than one. And now the manatees aren't even coming? Oh, no, no. They're here, harold. Buzz sherwood flew them in in one of them water bombers he borrowed from a friend. Moose thompson went along for the ride, and you know how moose gets nervous around big stars. Flopper and flapper? Yeah. Moose got all excited up there, and while they were circling, he pulled the wrong lever, opened the bomb-bay doors. I got to tell you, manatees are not your natural-born high divers. Four tons of belly flop. Oh, no! Why is it that big stars always go down in plane wrecks? Why? Why?! They're not dead, harold. They're just -- well, they're a different shape now. Oh. Well, I-I bet you, you know, he probably can't balance things on his nose anymore. Oh, you've got to be kidding. He could balance a piano on there. It's like a helicopter pad. But flopper has decided to retire from show business, so I guess we're gonna go back to the old "red green show" the way it was. Oh, so -- so, who's gonna, like, you know, produce/direct, uncle red? Wa-a-a! Well, I spoke to his sister, flapper, but she wanted too much money. It's me, isn't it?! Oh, yes! It's -- oh, it's me! Wa-a-a-a! Oh, you -- you will not regret this! Yes, I do. Oh! [ screeching ] oh, cry of the possum. Oh, it's meeting time. Wait till the guys hear. Wa-a-a! You go ahead, harold. I'll be down when I get dried off. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and, uh, I'm bringing a picture of a sea cow autographed. If you can give that to your sister. The resemblance is unbelievable. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching. Until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. We got the new prop in for the christmas show. Schindler's christmas list. If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got three bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.